Heritage

This weeks will be short I apologize for the shortness I have been taking a class all week and I am a little brain dead at the moment.  I also have been making things and crafting things to sell to save a little money for our IVF fund. It has been busy.

I would like to talk mostly about heritage and culture.Culture is a wonderful thing. This week I am currently being educated in the art of Archaeology. It is very informative and is giving me a greater appreciation of those who have gone before me. My ancestors put down everything to get to where we are today. They came across the plains some by hand cart and some by wagon train. They faced so many heart wrenching things. Most buried family members along the way. They left their homes and some of their precious things to go where they could practice what they believed in peace. It took much trial and error to do so. Starting in Palmyra New York, working their way down to Nauvoo IL and later to SLC UT. They were the ones thinking of us, of their future kin and how they wanted for us to be able to worship our beliefs in peace. Pioneer History is a huge part of my life. Not only do I have the privilege to work with History each day, I get to constantly learn not only about the vast Pioneer history that most of us have. but I also have the privilege to learn about the Ancient History that happened before the Pioneer History. Most of which is still around today in a modern sense.  I have found that the more I study and try to understand different  cultures I gain respect for them. Cultures fascinate me, they are a view to what life was like long ago. I am so grateful for the History we have. Not only for Pioneer History but for the many others as well. For our Founding Fathers who laid down their lives just so we could be free. Who stood up for what they believed, and accepted new cultures. They founded a new culture and adventure when they created the Declaration of Independance. Therefore creating the United States of America. I think sometimes we get so caught up in who is right and wrong. Are we still United? Times have surely changed, and freedom has been tested. I am thankful for the things I was taught, by my Dad who taught us about family, and our country, serving as a Mechanic in Vietnam. To my Grandpa who fought for our freedoms when they were tested in WWII. And now It is my turn to fight for what I believe. I may not be a soldier who fights in the war overseas. But I am fighting for what I believe every day. Our beliefs are challenged each day. I will never give in, and say I give up.  I am proud to be an American. I am thankful for my heritage and for the heritage of others. For the cultures in this world that we can learn about. For our ability and willingness to learn. Never forget your heritage, be willing to learn. God Bless America!

Forgive

Forgiveness is one of my weaknesses. Just when I forgive someone for offending me or doing something to hurt my feelings  they do something else that makes it worse. Most of the time those people have no Idea they hurt me. I hate confrontations they really are awkward. Instead of confronting them and telling them how I feel I usually hold it inside until I explode on someone else who is not involved. Not the way to go trust me. Why is forgiveness so hard?  

It shouldn't be, but it is. I have a hard time forgiving others who have said offensive things or lied to me, or said things about me. I have come to find that people make mistakes, most of the time it is not because they are “out to get us” But just that they just being themselves in this world. On rare occasion there will be people who are out to get you.  My advice to that is kill them with Kindness. :) Kindness goes a long way. Not only that but Forgive them. Christ before he died on the cross said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

He forgave them instantly. Those people had him killed, and he said please forgive them. Why cant we be more like that? I wish with all my heart I could forgive as Christ has. I know that if i hold a grudge and don't forgive, not only does it cause bad blood but it doesn't hurt those others at all. It hurts me. It poisons me the moment I hold a grudge. All it does is tear me down. If we forgive others not only does it help us. Forgiveness saves us from so much heartache, if we practice forgiving we will become a better person. I know in my life I have been thrown under the bus many times by people I thought I could trust. It has taken me a long time to forgive some people around me. Forgiveness is a process just like anything. It doesn't happen overnight, we have to constantly work at it. With the Lord on our side we will succeed. Something to think about, is it better to be right, or better to love unconditionally?

Truely love of a family member is more important than being right. It is hard sometimes I know I get caught up in, I'm right! I am the youngest of five children and I have always had to fight. Trying to prove that I know even though I am younger. I dont stop to realize that it doesnt matter who is right.

I’m setting a challenge to myself as well as any of you. If you are dealing with any kind of grudge, start your path through forgiveness. Pray for help, ask for help from those who you trust. You will find there will always be people bearing you up, on this side and the other side of the veil. You always have help, don't be afraid to ask for help. If you think you don't have anyone who is there for you know that I am here for you all. Best wishes!

Learning Experience

This weeks will be short and sweet. :) I tried my best to keep a positive attitude and to step out of my comfort zone. It was extremely harder than I thought it would be. It seemed like every time I tried to do something right that voice in my head was like are you sure you are good enough? And yes I am. We all are. We need to keep going even though we have bad days. In the words of a very good friend of mine,  “Fake it until you make it.” That is and will be my motto for the hard things in life, for the challenges we face daily. The adversary is always there and he is constantly trying to get us. I won't let him get me. I am stronger than him, and I won't let him in. This is what I have learned this week. Just when you think you are doing great and you don't have to worry about too much. Life throws another curve, it feels similar to some things we have experienced in the past, but it is harder. Do you ever wonder why we keep going through some things over and over again. Perhaps it is because we need to learn something. Like trust, patience, humility, and many more. We are constantly learning and will be for the rest of our lives. Thank goodness. I think I would be get pretty bored if thought “I'm good I don't need to learn anything else because I know all.”  I am so thankful learning it is one of my talents.  I try to learn new things each day.  Like today I learned that I am a good teacher to kids. I had an opportunity to teach about the Native American tribes of Utah, to our Junior Archaeologists at Archaeology Camp at the Museum. (The Museum of the San Rafael, My job, I am the Director of the Museum). It was a whole new experience. I teach kids on Sunday, but it was so much more to teach them other things. It was very cool to be able to communicate with them. They are so great. We had fun the two day camp was a blast. I am happy to have met some new friends. Not only did I teach them, but they taught me. They helped each other, and laughed together they were great. It was a positive experience, I needed that to start my week out.  I look forward to what I will learn tomorrow. Remember to  keep going, never give up and always know you can learn something from this.

A Challenge

We are strong immovable women. A lady taught this to us in Relief Society this last Sunday. I am going to share some thoughts of how I have become immovable in some challenges in my life. Let's face it life is hard. We have so many things we need to do each day.We get lost in the crowd and don't remember the little things that mattern the most. How can we be immovable when we are struggling to get through the week? I ask myself that quite often. I feel as though things are fighting against me rather than by my side. like the currents are pulling me away from my goal. The top three things that were stated in the lesson were

1-Faith

Faith, we all have faith that the sun will come up in the morning but why is it so simple to say where is my faith when it is something harder that the sun coming up each day? We know the sun will rise and it will be another day but why do we not trust all will be well when we are faced with things that are hard for us it will be ok. Just like I know with all my heart that I will be a mom some day but why is it so hard for me to let go of my faith on a bad day? My conclusion to that is I need to constantly pray, read my scriptures, go to the temple. I need that constant comfort that comes along with the trials I am faced.

2-Family

I know that I can always rely on my family this last year my family was faced with some hard times. Im not going to share that yet. Something I always have to remember is you're nothing without your family. The beautiful part of families is we are all different, different personalities thrown into a family unit to make it through the hard paths of life. The attack on the family is so strong right now. It amazes me the new things Satan throws at the family because he knows how strong the family is. As I stated before, there is nothing he wants more than to rip apart and eternal family. I find he is constantly working on me trying to tell me my family is not worth it. When really they are.

3- Relief

We are sent to this earth to help others. To serve others, and Relieve their burdens. We lift and enlighten with our spirit, and our  testimonies. That is what Relief Society is about isn't it? When we serve others it silences our own insecurities. It brings the spirit into our lives, and pushes out Satan.
I know I am not perfect, but I want to challenge all of you, If you are reading this. I want to challenge you to step out of your comfort zone and open your mouth. Talk to someone new and find out more about those who you don't know. Be a relief to someone, that way your faith and family will grow. You will find you have more time in your busy day. I am challenging you to this and I will do this as well and report next week how it went. You dont have to answer to me. I am challenging you to do this to help you. Because I know how hard it is to get through Life. It is hard but think its hard for me and others around me also. We are in this together. Have a great week everyone.

Tomorrow is a new day

This last week has been very hard on me. We decided to save money for invetro. I decided to make some things to sell in order to save a little extra. We have talked about doing some fund raisers. At first I was like yes we can do this. And then the stresses of July have set in. I started to think, how are we ever going to save that much? I get a little discouraged thinking, will people buy my stuff when they didn't really buy my crochet stuff?  Lately I have been doubting myself and my worth yet again. It seems like this is a cycle for me. Just when we make a decision in the right way Satan tries to send loop de loops at us saying things like no one will buy your stuff, No one cares. Putting thoughts in my head of how are you going to get kids when you are poor? Therefore putting the doubt i dont need in my head making me feel discouraged before I even start. He has done this so many times. He gets his hooks in me because he knows I have always struggled with self worth. He knows everything about us. Our likes our dislikes and he uses them to his advantage. It is extremely hard in this day and age especially because he is everywhere. He is the voice that tells us we are not good enough. He is the voice that tells us to take things people say, the wrong way because that puts a wedge between us. I know sometimes it seems though the people we love the most hurt us the most. Most of the time it is not meant the way we take it. And well if it is those people have problems. One of my favorite quotes is by a dear lady who is one of my heros. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt. Short and simple. Meaning we make a choice whether to feel inferior by what others say or not. Just like we give consent to let Satan in. Sometimes it is hard to control, and we don't realize he is in until in my case I have a melt down and cry. This week I took everything to heart, and I called my sister telling her what so and so had said and they don't how they don't care. She told me this. Satan is trying to drive a wedge between you and them to make it so the family unit cannot be a peaceful family unit. This truly made me think about it. She is right, if you are having a hard time with any family member, here is what i suggest. Talk to them about it and tell them your feelings. Because in most cases they truly don't know that is how you feel. Pray for them and you. That you will be able to see them through Heavenly Father's eyes. It opens your eyes to see how much he loves them and how much he loves you. He trust you giving you the privilege and an insight of what he sees every day in others. Once you take action and pray Satan has lost. He can not dwell in holy places. Always keep the armor of God close. Because yes I doubt myself and I let him in. I know now that the reasons why he is working on me so hard right now is because he wants nothing but me to fail. Nothing more than to make sure that I never have an Eternal Family. He wants more than anything to tear apart families and make it so we cannot be eternal families because he knows how strong the family is. The family unit is strong. So strong that through my trial he is discouraging me and trying to make me say it's not worth it. When I know in my heart how worth it, it really is. When you feel like nothing is ever going to work out. Know that is Satan's way of bringing you down. That is why he tries to get us. Because he knows how much more powerful an eternal family is than him. Dont give in to him. Be positive, look for the good in everything. Carry on, to the next day which in the words of my other sister is “It's a new day!”  

I am thankful for my family. Who supports us in all we do and say. I am so blessed to have them in my life. I am thankful for the tender mercies that have come to me making me know that I will have a family of my own someday. All I need to do is trust my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. who probably look to me saying Maegan be patient, trust me it will be worth it. I know that with all my heart. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Unspoken Trials

On Sunday the topic was The atonement it set the tone for sacrament meeting.my lesson for my class was on Alma the younger and the atonement. Teaching the atonement to 5 and 6 year old kids is very rough. Especially when they keep asking when they can have treats or not, or when they could go outside. I began telling the wonderful story about Alma the younger. The kids were just not interested. I then began to tell the children my story of how I overcame temptations in my life just like Alma the younger. The best part of my story which I will tell in just a minute, is that these kids are so funny, when I had stated that I like Alma the younger had drank bad things one of the kids said, “You mean he drank Mountain Dew?!”

I simply replied that I had Drank Mountain Dew knowing that in the young eyes of a child that was bad.A good laugh from my class this week. There is never a dull moment with those children.

I would like to share my story about how I overcame another trial, that yes is unspoken. People don't talk about their trials. I know that I have had some bad ones and some that i can't do anything about, but what I have been through has helped my testimony I knowing things that I would never know with out those trials.

When I arrived at college, I had all intentions of doing good and getting good grades so I could go on to Utah State University in Logan and get my degree in Equine Science. I did great the first few months of the semester until, I realized Mom and Dad are not here to tell me to go to class, what's the point. I can go if I want to or not. It started slowly, by playing sports on the field instead of going to biology. Some of my friends were worried about me and tried to stop me. But me being the stubborn person I am I told them this is who I was and if they didn't like it to bad.  I started by not going to church. I was going to parties late Saturday night and didn't have time to wake up and go to church the next day. I thought no one cares whether I am at church or not so why go. Satan was taking a hold of me slowly. I felt like so many people expected me to be a certain way, and at that point I didn't want to be that way. I have always felt like i had to live up to what others think i should be. When honestly even though Yes I went through this trial but I am always forming me and what I should be. I wanted people to accept me for me and not someone else. I remember the day I drank for the first time. From there I progressed. It seemed like most of the time I had some sort of drink in me. My life was going down and before I realized it, It was almost too late. I remember one time I had drank so much it didn't even phase me, it really scared me and  I decided that this was not the life that I wanted. I woke up one morning with a feeling knowing this was not what I wanted and how do stop? I remember it was early in the morning, it was probably about 2 am. I looked at a picture of President Hinckley, President Faust, and  President  Monson a voice came to me saying ‘Remember Who you are. You are a Daughter of God.’ I began to cry knowing that i needed to change. I instantly fell to my knees and prayed all morning. Until i could hear birds singing. I knew i needed help but I didn't know how to get help. All of my friends who had been worried about me, I had blown off and worried  that they would not help me when I needed them. But that is one thing about good people, they are always around you and even though sometimes you hurt them they come back, and help you when you need them the most. I surrounded myself with my true friends, joining evening prayer with them, and family home evening again.  Second I knew I needed to call my dad, and mom. I remember how scared I was and resulted in calling my sister first, crying to her she comforted me as she always has. She reassured me that regardless of what I had done, Dad would love me no matter what, and he would help me. I called my Dad right after, I was so nervous. My dad answered in his gruff but comforting voice. The sound of his voice brought me to tears as I told my dad what I had done and asked for help. Surprisingly he said nothing. He never once said,”I'm very disappointed in you.” He simply said “We will work through this.” He advised me to talk to my bishop who, became like a father figure to me. My bishop helped me through my trials that I had faced at that time and made me realize that regardless of what our trial is we can some how overcome it through the atonement. It was a very long process and it still worries me to talk about it. I remember how much stronger my testimony is for going through this trial. I know some believe that it was bad and you should never talk about your trials again. I don't believe that. Yes some trials are bad, but it is who we are. My testimony of the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ is so much stronger because of my trials. Just like Alma the younger my dad was so pleased to know that I was coming back and asking for help. Deep down I know my parents knew I was struggling, and they prayed for me because that's all you can do. Parents of children who are struggling, keep praying for them. They may not come back for a long time but still love them regardless of their beliefs, trials, and hardships. Keep praying for them. I am thankful for this trial that I had. Some have asked that if I could do it over again would I change that part, honestly, no I wouldn't. It has made me a better person, I gained a testimony of the atonement in knowing that Jesus Christ atoned for all of my sins. Knowing that I can repent, for my wrong doings, and knowing that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have forgiven me, and they love me. I know that I needed to experience that, to know that without a doubt.

I am so grateful for my testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

This trial has taught me many things. When I was coming back to the church, it taught me to not judge people, people didn't judge me, they were so happy that I was there. We are not sent to this earth to judge others, we are sent here to help others.

With that said I would like to Say thank you to my Savior Jesus Christ for making it possible for me to be forgiven for the things which I have done in the past. For My Heavenly Father for loving me with an unconditional love, knowing that the teachings the atonement and other teachings, needed to take time and patience, and for never giving up on me. He will never give up on us. To my Dad who has been so patient with me in my growing life through my trials, and pains. And now to my sweet husband who is so loving and caring, knowing that I am not perfect.

This is my testimony I leave with you all. I hope you will continually pray for those who struggle around you. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

Tender Mercies

Tender Mercies

Throughout this blog I will tell many stories of Tender Mercies.  I had a plan last week after talking about individual worth to talk about some of the other young women values. But with an experience I had this Sunday I have decided to share that instead. We have all kinds of trials as stated before in the previous post. Most are unsubscribed of where they come from. I know we always ask Why me? Why does it seem just when you think you have had enough he throws another curve ball at you. If he loves us so much why does he continue to throw us things we cannot handle?  My Grandmother has stated “Instead of asking why me, we should ask what do I need to learn from this?”

I know how quick I am to say why now it’s just one more thing for me to do or why not now; it is the perfect time to have kids because all my friends are having kids. Tender Mercies are sent to us in our times of need. Through our trials Heavenly Father sends us Tender Mercies that give us hope and lift us up. To show that when we think we are in the darkest times in our lives there is still great good in the world. Tender Mercies can be as simple as a sunrise, or the blooming of flowers in your garden. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, at all times, even when we are feeling sad he wants us to be happy. I think whenever I am sad; I call my Dad who tries to cheer me up. That is exactly how Heavenly Father is. He sends us things that make us happy because he knows our likes and our dislikes. He knows us. He can only talk to us through prayer and through the still small voice of the Holy Ghost. But he knows us. Just like our Dads who call if they can, he sends us Tender Mercies of things that we would know it is a gift from him. My Dad knows that something is wrong even before he asks, because he knows me. Plus I think they have that radar that goes off when they sense something. My husband has it too. Heavenly Father has that too. He knows when we are struggling. I want to share and experience that happened to me this Sunday.

I was asked to come into Young Women’s. The youth in our ward are preparing to go on a pioneer trek. They were singing “The fire of the covenant” Song, which is the song for their trek. Towards the end of the song is says

“We are the youth of the great and final days armed with truth and a legacy of faith and we will rise up and shine the light he gives and with the saints testify he lives he lives!”

This made me think of when I was a young woman in young women’s. The songs we sang went along with this. We sang songs that stated we are children of the light saved for these days. I also remembered people telling me that I was chosen to come to earth for this time. Just as the youth today are chosen to come here at this time, they are special. As I thought about this I also thought about the future youth, and how much more strong and chosen they will be. Then the thought came to me.. A tender mercy came to my thoughts. If I am a child of light to hold my light out for all to see then what will my children be. I saw a glimpse of his plan for me; Heavenly Father is preparing me for my children. Spiritually he is making me a better person. Through my trials he is teaching me so much. He is teaching me to have faith; it will all work out the way it is supposed to. He is teaching me about patience, love and charity. He is teaching me to be honest in all things, and to rely on him when things get hard. He teaches me to trust my family, and love them unconditionally.  He is constantly teaching me to be better.

He wants to help us constantly. Yes he gives us trials but he teaches us through them if only we listen for his words. He gives us these trials because he can’t help us physically. He gives these trials, because he loves us and wants to make us better, and stronger. To keep us humble, and always remembering him in all we do, because his plan for us is so much worth the wait. I hope I can remember that regardless of how long I have to wait before I have kids I am being prepared for them. Because they are special, when they come to me they will be a Tender Mercy.  

I would like to bear my testimony about tender Mercies. They are true gifts from our Father in Heaven who loves us very much; he wants us to succeed in all we do, and to be happy. I am so thankful for all the Tender Mercies i have received and will receive. I love my Heavenly Father, so much. I know that I was put on this earth to help those around me to hold my light for all to see. I’m thankful for his church and for all he does for me. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior Amen.

Introduction

This blog is my story about dealing with infertility and the other trials we face in life. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. The doctors told me that I most likely wouldn't be able to have children on my own. At age 16 this was not a worry of mine.I always thought I will just adopt, its no big deal. I didn't think of the cost of adoption. because at that time in my life I was not thinking about getting married and having a family. I was too concerned with FFA, Drama performances, friends and boys. Once I got married the thought of not being able to have kids became a reality to me, it hit me like bull whip. The depression took a hold of my life starting in on I'm not good enough because I don't have children. I worried about what people would think. Mostly my family. I worried my husband would decide that I was not worth it to stick around for. This trial of mine has always been a struggle for me. I have always worried about my self worth. At this time in my life I wondered why this was happening to me. Am I not a suitable for the blessing of motherhood. Mothers day is the least favorite day of the year and I still boycott it.  Negative thoughts began to flood my mind.Things like why did you get married, he wants kids and you can't give them to him. You are not worth anyone's time. Satin had a hold of my thoughts pouring  poison into my mind. The prayers began mostly by asking why me, why Lord have you forgotten about me.  I still have those prayers where I just cry telling him in a rant that I give up. I can’t go through this hurt and heartache anymore. If anything please take the pain away. I remember calling my mom shortly after I got married and asking her "Why does this bother me so much". She told me that it bothers me so much now because I have a strong desire to be a mother. We as women have a yearning to be a mother. It is in our hard drive.

I remember asking the Lord is this a punishment because I had some troubles with the word of wisdom in my younger years? I assumed at that time was I was unworthy to have kids. That I was being punished for my wrong doings. I know now that sometimes we feel as if the Lord has given up on us. I know I feel that frequently. I had the opportunity to bear my testimony of self worth at girls camp this last week. I served in the Young Women's presidency in our ward for two years. I was released November of 2014 and then asked to serve as the Girls Camp Director. At one of the devotionals in the morning we discussed the Young Women Values. I asked the girls what each of the Values stood for and what they meant.  As I got to Individual Worth, I briefly thought of  my own Individual Worth I know in high school I was not the most popular. I was different but aren't we all? Coming from me who often felt like I was not good enough for anything. I began my Testimony on Individual Worth, it made me remember what my sister always reminds me about when ever I am feeling low, or down on myself I need to remember that I am beautiful I am worth it and I am loved. Not only by my family and my dear husband but by my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and for what ever reason I at this time cannot have children naturally. It is not my fault, it is not a curse. It is not a punishment. It is a trial, but it is not because I struggled with my testimony. It is out of my control. But regardless I am worth it. My Individual Worth Testimony was restored. I want you to know, that regardless of what you are going through, you are worth it. Whether it be something similar of infertility, sickness, depression, etc. You are worth it!  My hope and goal is to help remind those who are lost or even sad like me I am but one voice. We are traveling on this road together. The Road Unspoken is about the Trials we have that go unspoken about, when sometimes it helps to talk about it, or to read someone's story and get some sort of comfort. When you feel like no one knows how you feel remember, there is one who does. Our Savior Jesus Christ knows. You're never alone.  This is my wish, to bear up each others burdens. To comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Sometimes the future for me looks bleak. I get really down on myself when I see my friends and family with kids, it hurts.I think  “it hasn't happened yet it wont ever happen”. And then my Father in Heaven sends me a tender mercy. A guardian angel, I have many of them on this earth. A call from a friend saying I'm thinking about you. Kind words from a sister who always there for me. A hug from the kids in my primary class or the hug from nieces or nephews. The way my husband makes me laugh when I want to cry.  That gives me hope. Heavenly Father sends me Tender Mercies that help me know everything will be okay. He also reminds me of the things we can do such as in vetro fertilization and adoption both right now we are working on ideas for funding. I hope that with this Blog I can inspire you to share your stories, not only to comfort you but to educate those around you. Thanks for reading this blog I hope you continue as I tell things that are so dear to my heart. I hope that they can and will help.