Introduction

This blog is my story about dealing with infertility and the other trials we face in life. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. The doctors told me that I most likely wouldn't be able to have children on my own. At age 16 this was not a worry of mine.I always thought I will just adopt, its no big deal. I didn't think of the cost of adoption. because at that time in my life I was not thinking about getting married and having a family. I was too concerned with FFA, Drama performances, friends and boys. Once I got married the thought of not being able to have kids became a reality to me, it hit me like bull whip. The depression took a hold of my life starting in on I'm not good enough because I don't have children. I worried about what people would think. Mostly my family. I worried my husband would decide that I was not worth it to stick around for. This trial of mine has always been a struggle for me. I have always worried about my self worth. At this time in my life I wondered why this was happening to me. Am I not a suitable for the blessing of motherhood. Mothers day is the least favorite day of the year and I still boycott it.  Negative thoughts began to flood my mind.Things like why did you get married, he wants kids and you can't give them to him. You are not worth anyone's time. Satin had a hold of my thoughts pouring  poison into my mind. The prayers began mostly by asking why me, why Lord have you forgotten about me.  I still have those prayers where I just cry telling him in a rant that I give up. I can’t go through this hurt and heartache anymore. If anything please take the pain away. I remember calling my mom shortly after I got married and asking her "Why does this bother me so much". She told me that it bothers me so much now because I have a strong desire to be a mother. We as women have a yearning to be a mother. It is in our hard drive.

I remember asking the Lord is this a punishment because I had some troubles with the word of wisdom in my younger years? I assumed at that time was I was unworthy to have kids. That I was being punished for my wrong doings. I know now that sometimes we feel as if the Lord has given up on us. I know I feel that frequently. I had the opportunity to bear my testimony of self worth at girls camp this last week. I served in the Young Women's presidency in our ward for two years. I was released November of 2014 and then asked to serve as the Girls Camp Director. At one of the devotionals in the morning we discussed the Young Women Values. I asked the girls what each of the Values stood for and what they meant.  As I got to Individual Worth, I briefly thought of  my own Individual Worth I know in high school I was not the most popular. I was different but aren't we all? Coming from me who often felt like I was not good enough for anything. I began my Testimony on Individual Worth, it made me remember what my sister always reminds me about when ever I am feeling low, or down on myself I need to remember that I am beautiful I am worth it and I am loved. Not only by my family and my dear husband but by my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and for what ever reason I at this time cannot have children naturally. It is not my fault, it is not a curse. It is not a punishment. It is a trial, but it is not because I struggled with my testimony. It is out of my control. But regardless I am worth it. My Individual Worth Testimony was restored. I want you to know, that regardless of what you are going through, you are worth it. Whether it be something similar of infertility, sickness, depression, etc. You are worth it!  My hope and goal is to help remind those who are lost or even sad like me I am but one voice. We are traveling on this road together. The Road Unspoken is about the Trials we have that go unspoken about, when sometimes it helps to talk about it, or to read someone's story and get some sort of comfort. When you feel like no one knows how you feel remember, there is one who does. Our Savior Jesus Christ knows. You're never alone.  This is my wish, to bear up each others burdens. To comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Sometimes the future for me looks bleak. I get really down on myself when I see my friends and family with kids, it hurts.I think  “it hasn't happened yet it wont ever happen”. And then my Father in Heaven sends me a tender mercy. A guardian angel, I have many of them on this earth. A call from a friend saying I'm thinking about you. Kind words from a sister who always there for me. A hug from the kids in my primary class or the hug from nieces or nephews. The way my husband makes me laugh when I want to cry.  That gives me hope. Heavenly Father sends me Tender Mercies that help me know everything will be okay. He also reminds me of the things we can do such as in vetro fertilization and adoption both right now we are working on ideas for funding. I hope that with this Blog I can inspire you to share your stories, not only to comfort you but to educate those around you. Thanks for reading this blog I hope you continue as I tell things that are so dear to my heart. I hope that they can and will help.