#StartAsking United by Infertility

I decided to take the Blogger challenge for NIAW. (#NIAW) I have not written on my blog for some time. I made a goal at the beginning of the year to write at least quarterly, and so far that didn't happen the way I wanted it to. Sometimes it seem that when you are trying to do positive things there is a negative force that tries to bring you down to a low that is hard to come back from.
My Story
I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure when I was 16 years old, knowing that I would most likely not be able to have children was a blow even then. From the time we are given our first doll to play with we want to be mommies, just like our mothers.When I found out that my dream of being a mom someday was slim to none it was shocking and devastating.  I remember finding out and sitting out in the hall being comforted by my mother. I cried, and slowly healed my broken heart for a time. Once I was married something that I had mourned over came back as if it were the day I was diagnosed only this time it is reoccurring. I am married and have been for 7 years. We have tried fertility supplements in hopes that a miracle would happen, but alas the POF is working against us. Every time that pregnancy test comes back negative the feelings and emotions of and mourning is never ending. We have searched for hope by looking at our options through IVF and adoption, but the cost is well out of our price range. I feel at times we are just sitting here waiting for something to happen and it never does. I try not to loose hope even though some days are better than others. I have constant dreams of being a mother and finally having the miracle happen and then I wake up and there is no child. My arms ache to hold a baby that isn't there. I have tried to come up with the nicest way to say it but infertility sucks! It is not fair, and it really just sucks. I have been told to just let it go, its not going to happen and I just need to get over it. News Flash, I have tried and fail tremendously. I've decided that being negative about it is not the answer either. Lately I have been bitter about my whole situation. I swore up and down that I would never be this bitter, and here I am. I am frustrated with myself because of my bitterness and trying to become less bitter about it. I recently joined a POF Support group as well as a infertility group. I was really reluctant to do so before thinking, I can do this on my own, I'm tough enough to do it alone. Boy was I wrong! Joining these groups has helped me so much I wish I would of listened to the advice from my Doctor long ago and not put on the tough girl attitude. I knew there are many women out there with my same condition, but to read some of their stories and concerns its comforting in a way knowing that someone knows exactly how I feel. They share advice and ask what works for others. I find myself sharing what has worked for me and find that not only are they helping me but I am helping them by  sharing my story. Knowing it could help someone down the road gives me hope and courage to continue on this long road of infertility. To know that no matter what there is always someone who knows what your going through. Sometimes the things we want to change and cant change end up changing us for the better. I will never know why my path of infertility is unanswered or undiscovered, but I cant control that, and its okay that I cant control it, someday I will know why.

We as women or couples need to stick together, to lean on each other to get through this hard time. Tell your own story, you never know who needs it. My goal of being a part of this group is to be hopeful and lend a helping hand or kind word where it is needed. To others dealing with infertility we can stand strong and get through this together! know you are never alone, There is someone out there going through this too. To others who know someone dealing with infertility, rather than assume you know what they are going through I challenge you to listen to them, and ask questions.

New Year Resolutions

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. I apologize, it seems as if the winter months went by faster than the summer. I  can not believe it is January 2016. Time has flown by. I am making five new goals for the new year and I hope I follow through with them.

First I want to write everyday. I have found that writing is one of my stress relievers, I won’t write everyday on this blog, I have a few novels to finish :). But to write something everyday I also want to post something each month in this blog. I think that every week was to much ;).  I will post something at least once a month.. Second I want to manage my time better by staying more organized. Third I want to be more physically fit, I need to strive to be healthy. Fourth I want to be more spiritually strong. So much has been happening lately, I have found that if I read my scriptures everyday my day goes a lot better. Fifth I want to be more positive, living for today, being more Christ like, serving others, and being happy with my life and the way things are going in my life. I choose to make the change for all these things to take place this year and become forever goals that I will be working on.

In a world of so much negativity there will always be ways to down others and yourself. I choose to be the light that brings others up. For so long I had thought that the only way I can be happy is to be a mother, when my kids come I will be happy and everything will be okay. But something I have learned just recently, is I need to be happy now! I want children more than anything in this world and look forward to that time but what if it doesn’t come in this life? How will I react to it, Will I choose to be unhappy for the rest of my life causing gloom and negativity? No I choose to be happy now, regardless of my situation. To always think of the positive things to say, to look for those who need a little light in their storm. I choose to be a disciple of Christ, to be a woman of faith. I know it will take time to fully get there and I know there will be bad days, because as we all know there is one force who will always be working against us and wanting us to fail. Despite what he throws at me I will remain strong. I will strive to be better, to not judge others, to not judge myself. We are all different, and our differences make us what we are. You know my whole life I was taught that what makes me different makes me beautiful. We are all beautiful in our own ways. Rather than cutting ourselves short or the others around us because of our differences, can’t we work together?  Because we are in this world together and need to help others. Can’t we build each other up in a world where we are taught that we all have to be the same to be beautiful. I choose to be different, to live in the moment, to be more Christ like, to follow the teachings and counsel of our Prophets, to be happy!

Happiness is a funny thing, but it can be found in the most darkest places. It is everywhere, it is in the sunrise, it is in your family, it is in music, it is everywhere, you just have to remember that it is always there, and to always look for it. In the words of Dumbledore on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, If one only remembers to turn on the light.”

(I am bit of a Harry Potter Fan! :))

We need to remember to turn on the light. I need to remember to turn on the light on those bad days when I am at a low. Which I hope I will not have, but we are human and we will always be growing. We never stop growing, just as long as we can remember to be happy for today.
I am happy, I don’t need to wait for the happiness to come because it is already here. It follows me everywhere.

I hope that each of you have some good goals for the New Year
Happy New Year everyone!!

Heritage

This weeks will be short I apologize for the shortness I have been taking a class all week and I am a little brain dead at the moment.  I also have been making things and crafting things to sell to save a little money for our IVF fund. It has been busy.

I would like to talk mostly about heritage and culture.Culture is a wonderful thing. This week I am currently being educated in the art of Archaeology. It is very informative and is giving me a greater appreciation of those who have gone before me. My ancestors put down everything to get to where we are today. They came across the plains some by hand cart and some by wagon train. They faced so many heart wrenching things. Most buried family members along the way. They left their homes and some of their precious things to go where they could practice what they believed in peace. It took much trial and error to do so. Starting in Palmyra New York, working their way down to Nauvoo IL and later to SLC UT. They were the ones thinking of us, of their future kin and how they wanted for us to be able to worship our beliefs in peace. Pioneer History is a huge part of my life. Not only do I have the privilege to work with History each day, I get to constantly learn not only about the vast Pioneer history that most of us have. but I also have the privilege to learn about the Ancient History that happened before the Pioneer History. Most of which is still around today in a modern sense.  I have found that the more I study and try to understand different  cultures I gain respect for them. Cultures fascinate me, they are a view to what life was like long ago. I am so grateful for the History we have. Not only for Pioneer History but for the many others as well. For our Founding Fathers who laid down their lives just so we could be free. Who stood up for what they believed, and accepted new cultures. They founded a new culture and adventure when they created the Declaration of Independance. Therefore creating the United States of America. I think sometimes we get so caught up in who is right and wrong. Are we still United? Times have surely changed, and freedom has been tested. I am thankful for the things I was taught, by my Dad who taught us about family, and our country, serving as a Mechanic in Vietnam. To my Grandpa who fought for our freedoms when they were tested in WWII. And now It is my turn to fight for what I believe. I may not be a soldier who fights in the war overseas. But I am fighting for what I believe every day. Our beliefs are challenged each day. I will never give in, and say I give up.  I am proud to be an American. I am thankful for my heritage and for the heritage of others. For the cultures in this world that we can learn about. For our ability and willingness to learn. Never forget your heritage, be willing to learn. God Bless America!

Forgive

Forgiveness is one of my weaknesses. Just when I forgive someone for offending me or doing something to hurt my feelings  they do something else that makes it worse. Most of the time those people have no Idea they hurt me. I hate confrontations they really are awkward. Instead of confronting them and telling them how I feel I usually hold it inside until I explode on someone else who is not involved. Not the way to go trust me. Why is forgiveness so hard?  

It shouldn't be, but it is. I have a hard time forgiving others who have said offensive things or lied to me, or said things about me. I have come to find that people make mistakes, most of the time it is not because they are “out to get us” But just that they just being themselves in this world. On rare occasion there will be people who are out to get you.  My advice to that is kill them with Kindness. :) Kindness goes a long way. Not only that but Forgive them. Christ before he died on the cross said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”

He forgave them instantly. Those people had him killed, and he said please forgive them. Why cant we be more like that? I wish with all my heart I could forgive as Christ has. I know that if i hold a grudge and don't forgive, not only does it cause bad blood but it doesn't hurt those others at all. It hurts me. It poisons me the moment I hold a grudge. All it does is tear me down. If we forgive others not only does it help us. Forgiveness saves us from so much heartache, if we practice forgiving we will become a better person. I know in my life I have been thrown under the bus many times by people I thought I could trust. It has taken me a long time to forgive some people around me. Forgiveness is a process just like anything. It doesn't happen overnight, we have to constantly work at it. With the Lord on our side we will succeed. Something to think about, is it better to be right, or better to love unconditionally?

Truely love of a family member is more important than being right. It is hard sometimes I know I get caught up in, I'm right! I am the youngest of five children and I have always had to fight. Trying to prove that I know even though I am younger. I dont stop to realize that it doesnt matter who is right.

I’m setting a challenge to myself as well as any of you. If you are dealing with any kind of grudge, start your path through forgiveness. Pray for help, ask for help from those who you trust. You will find there will always be people bearing you up, on this side and the other side of the veil. You always have help, don't be afraid to ask for help. If you think you don't have anyone who is there for you know that I am here for you all. Best wishes!

Learning Experience

This weeks will be short and sweet. :) I tried my best to keep a positive attitude and to step out of my comfort zone. It was extremely harder than I thought it would be. It seemed like every time I tried to do something right that voice in my head was like are you sure you are good enough? And yes I am. We all are. We need to keep going even though we have bad days. In the words of a very good friend of mine,  “Fake it until you make it.” That is and will be my motto for the hard things in life, for the challenges we face daily. The adversary is always there and he is constantly trying to get us. I won't let him get me. I am stronger than him, and I won't let him in. This is what I have learned this week. Just when you think you are doing great and you don't have to worry about too much. Life throws another curve, it feels similar to some things we have experienced in the past, but it is harder. Do you ever wonder why we keep going through some things over and over again. Perhaps it is because we need to learn something. Like trust, patience, humility, and many more. We are constantly learning and will be for the rest of our lives. Thank goodness. I think I would be get pretty bored if thought “I'm good I don't need to learn anything else because I know all.”  I am so thankful learning it is one of my talents.  I try to learn new things each day.  Like today I learned that I am a good teacher to kids. I had an opportunity to teach about the Native American tribes of Utah, to our Junior Archaeologists at Archaeology Camp at the Museum. (The Museum of the San Rafael, My job, I am the Director of the Museum). It was a whole new experience. I teach kids on Sunday, but it was so much more to teach them other things. It was very cool to be able to communicate with them. They are so great. We had fun the two day camp was a blast. I am happy to have met some new friends. Not only did I teach them, but they taught me. They helped each other, and laughed together they were great. It was a positive experience, I needed that to start my week out.  I look forward to what I will learn tomorrow. Remember to  keep going, never give up and always know you can learn something from this.

A Challenge

We are strong immovable women. A lady taught this to us in Relief Society this last Sunday. I am going to share some thoughts of how I have become immovable in some challenges in my life. Let's face it life is hard. We have so many things we need to do each day.We get lost in the crowd and don't remember the little things that mattern the most. How can we be immovable when we are struggling to get through the week? I ask myself that quite often. I feel as though things are fighting against me rather than by my side. like the currents are pulling me away from my goal. The top three things that were stated in the lesson were

1-Faith

Faith, we all have faith that the sun will come up in the morning but why is it so simple to say where is my faith when it is something harder that the sun coming up each day? We know the sun will rise and it will be another day but why do we not trust all will be well when we are faced with things that are hard for us it will be ok. Just like I know with all my heart that I will be a mom some day but why is it so hard for me to let go of my faith on a bad day? My conclusion to that is I need to constantly pray, read my scriptures, go to the temple. I need that constant comfort that comes along with the trials I am faced.

2-Family

I know that I can always rely on my family this last year my family was faced with some hard times. Im not going to share that yet. Something I always have to remember is you're nothing without your family. The beautiful part of families is we are all different, different personalities thrown into a family unit to make it through the hard paths of life. The attack on the family is so strong right now. It amazes me the new things Satan throws at the family because he knows how strong the family is. As I stated before, there is nothing he wants more than to rip apart and eternal family. I find he is constantly working on me trying to tell me my family is not worth it. When really they are.

3- Relief

We are sent to this earth to help others. To serve others, and Relieve their burdens. We lift and enlighten with our spirit, and our  testimonies. That is what Relief Society is about isn't it? When we serve others it silences our own insecurities. It brings the spirit into our lives, and pushes out Satan.
I know I am not perfect, but I want to challenge all of you, If you are reading this. I want to challenge you to step out of your comfort zone and open your mouth. Talk to someone new and find out more about those who you don't know. Be a relief to someone, that way your faith and family will grow. You will find you have more time in your busy day. I am challenging you to this and I will do this as well and report next week how it went. You dont have to answer to me. I am challenging you to do this to help you. Because I know how hard it is to get through Life. It is hard but think its hard for me and others around me also. We are in this together. Have a great week everyone.

Tomorrow is a new day

This last week has been very hard on me. We decided to save money for invetro. I decided to make some things to sell in order to save a little extra. We have talked about doing some fund raisers. At first I was like yes we can do this. And then the stresses of July have set in. I started to think, how are we ever going to save that much? I get a little discouraged thinking, will people buy my stuff when they didn't really buy my crochet stuff?  Lately I have been doubting myself and my worth yet again. It seems like this is a cycle for me. Just when we make a decision in the right way Satan tries to send loop de loops at us saying things like no one will buy your stuff, No one cares. Putting thoughts in my head of how are you going to get kids when you are poor? Therefore putting the doubt i dont need in my head making me feel discouraged before I even start. He has done this so many times. He gets his hooks in me because he knows I have always struggled with self worth. He knows everything about us. Our likes our dislikes and he uses them to his advantage. It is extremely hard in this day and age especially because he is everywhere. He is the voice that tells us we are not good enough. He is the voice that tells us to take things people say, the wrong way because that puts a wedge between us. I know sometimes it seems though the people we love the most hurt us the most. Most of the time it is not meant the way we take it. And well if it is those people have problems. One of my favorite quotes is by a dear lady who is one of my heros. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt. Short and simple. Meaning we make a choice whether to feel inferior by what others say or not. Just like we give consent to let Satan in. Sometimes it is hard to control, and we don't realize he is in until in my case I have a melt down and cry. This week I took everything to heart, and I called my sister telling her what so and so had said and they don't how they don't care. She told me this. Satan is trying to drive a wedge between you and them to make it so the family unit cannot be a peaceful family unit. This truly made me think about it. She is right, if you are having a hard time with any family member, here is what i suggest. Talk to them about it and tell them your feelings. Because in most cases they truly don't know that is how you feel. Pray for them and you. That you will be able to see them through Heavenly Father's eyes. It opens your eyes to see how much he loves them and how much he loves you. He trust you giving you the privilege and an insight of what he sees every day in others. Once you take action and pray Satan has lost. He can not dwell in holy places. Always keep the armor of God close. Because yes I doubt myself and I let him in. I know now that the reasons why he is working on me so hard right now is because he wants nothing but me to fail. Nothing more than to make sure that I never have an Eternal Family. He wants more than anything to tear apart families and make it so we cannot be eternal families because he knows how strong the family is. The family unit is strong. So strong that through my trial he is discouraging me and trying to make me say it's not worth it. When I know in my heart how worth it, it really is. When you feel like nothing is ever going to work out. Know that is Satan's way of bringing you down. That is why he tries to get us. Because he knows how much more powerful an eternal family is than him. Dont give in to him. Be positive, look for the good in everything. Carry on, to the next day which in the words of my other sister is “It's a new day!”  

I am thankful for my family. Who supports us in all we do and say. I am so blessed to have them in my life. I am thankful for the tender mercies that have come to me making me know that I will have a family of my own someday. All I need to do is trust my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. who probably look to me saying Maegan be patient, trust me it will be worth it. I know that with all my heart. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ amen.