I decided to take the Blogger challenge for NIAW. (#NIAW) I have not written on my blog for some time. I made a goal at the beginning of the year to write at least quarterly, and so far that didn't happen the way I wanted it to. Sometimes it seem that when you are trying to do positive things there is a negative force that tries to bring you down to a low that is hard to come back from.
My Story
I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure when I was 16 years old, knowing that I would most likely not be able to have children was a blow even then. From the time we are given our first doll to play with we want to be mommies, just like our mothers.When I found out that my dream of being a mom someday was slim to none it was shocking and devastating. I remember finding out and sitting out in the hall being comforted by my mother. I cried, and slowly healed my broken heart for a time. Once I was married something that I had mourned over came back as if it were the day I was diagnosed only this time it is reoccurring. I am married and have been for 7 years. We have tried fertility supplements in hopes that a miracle would happen, but alas the POF is working against us. Every time that pregnancy test comes back negative the feelings and emotions of and mourning is never ending. We have searched for hope by looking at our options through IVF and adoption, but the cost is well out of our price range. I feel at times we are just sitting here waiting for something to happen and it never does. I try not to loose hope even though some days are better than others. I have constant dreams of being a mother and finally having the miracle happen and then I wake up and there is no child. My arms ache to hold a baby that isn't there. I have tried to come up with the nicest way to say it but infertility sucks! It is not fair, and it really just sucks. I have been told to just let it go, its not going to happen and I just need to get over it. News Flash, I have tried and fail tremendously. I've decided that being negative about it is not the answer either. Lately I have been bitter about my whole situation. I swore up and down that I would never be this bitter, and here I am. I am frustrated with myself because of my bitterness and trying to become less bitter about it. I recently joined a POF Support group as well as a infertility group. I was really reluctant to do so before thinking, I can do this on my own, I'm tough enough to do it alone. Boy was I wrong! Joining these groups has helped me so much I wish I would of listened to the advice from my Doctor long ago and not put on the tough girl attitude. I knew there are many women out there with my same condition, but to read some of their stories and concerns its comforting in a way knowing that someone knows exactly how I feel. They share advice and ask what works for others. I find myself sharing what has worked for me and find that not only are they helping me but I am helping them by sharing my story. Knowing it could help someone down the road gives me hope and courage to continue on this long road of infertility. To know that no matter what there is always someone who knows what your going through. Sometimes the things we want to change and cant change end up changing us for the better. I will never know why my path of infertility is unanswered or undiscovered, but I cant control that, and its okay that I cant control it, someday I will know why.
We as women or couples need to stick together, to lean on each other to get through this hard time. Tell your own story, you never know who needs it. My goal of being a part of this group is to be hopeful and lend a helping hand or kind word where it is needed. To others dealing with infertility we can stand strong and get through this together! know you are never alone, There is someone out there going through this too. To others who know someone dealing with infertility, rather than assume you know what they are going through I challenge you to listen to them, and ask questions.
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