Tomorrow is a new day

This last week has been very hard on me. We decided to save money for invetro. I decided to make some things to sell in order to save a little extra. We have talked about doing some fund raisers. At first I was like yes we can do this. And then the stresses of July have set in. I started to think, how are we ever going to save that much? I get a little discouraged thinking, will people buy my stuff when they didn't really buy my crochet stuff?  Lately I have been doubting myself and my worth yet again. It seems like this is a cycle for me. Just when we make a decision in the right way Satan tries to send loop de loops at us saying things like no one will buy your stuff, No one cares. Putting thoughts in my head of how are you going to get kids when you are poor? Therefore putting the doubt i dont need in my head making me feel discouraged before I even start. He has done this so many times. He gets his hooks in me because he knows I have always struggled with self worth. He knows everything about us. Our likes our dislikes and he uses them to his advantage. It is extremely hard in this day and age especially because he is everywhere. He is the voice that tells us we are not good enough. He is the voice that tells us to take things people say, the wrong way because that puts a wedge between us. I know sometimes it seems though the people we love the most hurt us the most. Most of the time it is not meant the way we take it. And well if it is those people have problems. One of my favorite quotes is by a dear lady who is one of my heros. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt. Short and simple. Meaning we make a choice whether to feel inferior by what others say or not. Just like we give consent to let Satan in. Sometimes it is hard to control, and we don't realize he is in until in my case I have a melt down and cry. This week I took everything to heart, and I called my sister telling her what so and so had said and they don't how they don't care. She told me this. Satan is trying to drive a wedge between you and them to make it so the family unit cannot be a peaceful family unit. This truly made me think about it. She is right, if you are having a hard time with any family member, here is what i suggest. Talk to them about it and tell them your feelings. Because in most cases they truly don't know that is how you feel. Pray for them and you. That you will be able to see them through Heavenly Father's eyes. It opens your eyes to see how much he loves them and how much he loves you. He trust you giving you the privilege and an insight of what he sees every day in others. Once you take action and pray Satan has lost. He can not dwell in holy places. Always keep the armor of God close. Because yes I doubt myself and I let him in. I know now that the reasons why he is working on me so hard right now is because he wants nothing but me to fail. Nothing more than to make sure that I never have an Eternal Family. He wants more than anything to tear apart families and make it so we cannot be eternal families because he knows how strong the family is. The family unit is strong. So strong that through my trial he is discouraging me and trying to make me say it's not worth it. When I know in my heart how worth it, it really is. When you feel like nothing is ever going to work out. Know that is Satan's way of bringing you down. That is why he tries to get us. Because he knows how much more powerful an eternal family is than him. Dont give in to him. Be positive, look for the good in everything. Carry on, to the next day which in the words of my other sister is “It's a new day!”  

I am thankful for my family. Who supports us in all we do and say. I am so blessed to have them in my life. I am thankful for the tender mercies that have come to me making me know that I will have a family of my own someday. All I need to do is trust my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. who probably look to me saying Maegan be patient, trust me it will be worth it. I know that with all my heart. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Unspoken Trials

On Sunday the topic was The atonement it set the tone for sacrament meeting.my lesson for my class was on Alma the younger and the atonement. Teaching the atonement to 5 and 6 year old kids is very rough. Especially when they keep asking when they can have treats or not, or when they could go outside. I began telling the wonderful story about Alma the younger. The kids were just not interested. I then began to tell the children my story of how I overcame temptations in my life just like Alma the younger. The best part of my story which I will tell in just a minute, is that these kids are so funny, when I had stated that I like Alma the younger had drank bad things one of the kids said, “You mean he drank Mountain Dew?!”

I simply replied that I had Drank Mountain Dew knowing that in the young eyes of a child that was bad.A good laugh from my class this week. There is never a dull moment with those children.

I would like to share my story about how I overcame another trial, that yes is unspoken. People don't talk about their trials. I know that I have had some bad ones and some that i can't do anything about, but what I have been through has helped my testimony I knowing things that I would never know with out those trials.

When I arrived at college, I had all intentions of doing good and getting good grades so I could go on to Utah State University in Logan and get my degree in Equine Science. I did great the first few months of the semester until, I realized Mom and Dad are not here to tell me to go to class, what's the point. I can go if I want to or not. It started slowly, by playing sports on the field instead of going to biology. Some of my friends were worried about me and tried to stop me. But me being the stubborn person I am I told them this is who I was and if they didn't like it to bad.  I started by not going to church. I was going to parties late Saturday night and didn't have time to wake up and go to church the next day. I thought no one cares whether I am at church or not so why go. Satan was taking a hold of me slowly. I felt like so many people expected me to be a certain way, and at that point I didn't want to be that way. I have always felt like i had to live up to what others think i should be. When honestly even though Yes I went through this trial but I am always forming me and what I should be. I wanted people to accept me for me and not someone else. I remember the day I drank for the first time. From there I progressed. It seemed like most of the time I had some sort of drink in me. My life was going down and before I realized it, It was almost too late. I remember one time I had drank so much it didn't even phase me, it really scared me and  I decided that this was not the life that I wanted. I woke up one morning with a feeling knowing this was not what I wanted and how do stop? I remember it was early in the morning, it was probably about 2 am. I looked at a picture of President Hinckley, President Faust, and  President  Monson a voice came to me saying ‘Remember Who you are. You are a Daughter of God.’ I began to cry knowing that i needed to change. I instantly fell to my knees and prayed all morning. Until i could hear birds singing. I knew i needed help but I didn't know how to get help. All of my friends who had been worried about me, I had blown off and worried  that they would not help me when I needed them. But that is one thing about good people, they are always around you and even though sometimes you hurt them they come back, and help you when you need them the most. I surrounded myself with my true friends, joining evening prayer with them, and family home evening again.  Second I knew I needed to call my dad, and mom. I remember how scared I was and resulted in calling my sister first, crying to her she comforted me as she always has. She reassured me that regardless of what I had done, Dad would love me no matter what, and he would help me. I called my Dad right after, I was so nervous. My dad answered in his gruff but comforting voice. The sound of his voice brought me to tears as I told my dad what I had done and asked for help. Surprisingly he said nothing. He never once said,”I'm very disappointed in you.” He simply said “We will work through this.” He advised me to talk to my bishop who, became like a father figure to me. My bishop helped me through my trials that I had faced at that time and made me realize that regardless of what our trial is we can some how overcome it through the atonement. It was a very long process and it still worries me to talk about it. I remember how much stronger my testimony is for going through this trial. I know some believe that it was bad and you should never talk about your trials again. I don't believe that. Yes some trials are bad, but it is who we are. My testimony of the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ is so much stronger because of my trials. Just like Alma the younger my dad was so pleased to know that I was coming back and asking for help. Deep down I know my parents knew I was struggling, and they prayed for me because that's all you can do. Parents of children who are struggling, keep praying for them. They may not come back for a long time but still love them regardless of their beliefs, trials, and hardships. Keep praying for them. I am thankful for this trial that I had. Some have asked that if I could do it over again would I change that part, honestly, no I wouldn't. It has made me a better person, I gained a testimony of the atonement in knowing that Jesus Christ atoned for all of my sins. Knowing that I can repent, for my wrong doings, and knowing that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have forgiven me, and they love me. I know that I needed to experience that, to know that without a doubt.

I am so grateful for my testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

This trial has taught me many things. When I was coming back to the church, it taught me to not judge people, people didn't judge me, they were so happy that I was there. We are not sent to this earth to judge others, we are sent here to help others.

With that said I would like to Say thank you to my Savior Jesus Christ for making it possible for me to be forgiven for the things which I have done in the past. For My Heavenly Father for loving me with an unconditional love, knowing that the teachings the atonement and other teachings, needed to take time and patience, and for never giving up on me. He will never give up on us. To my Dad who has been so patient with me in my growing life through my trials, and pains. And now to my sweet husband who is so loving and caring, knowing that I am not perfect.

This is my testimony I leave with you all. I hope you will continually pray for those who struggle around you. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

Tender Mercies

Tender Mercies

Throughout this blog I will tell many stories of Tender Mercies.  I had a plan last week after talking about individual worth to talk about some of the other young women values. But with an experience I had this Sunday I have decided to share that instead. We have all kinds of trials as stated before in the previous post. Most are unsubscribed of where they come from. I know we always ask Why me? Why does it seem just when you think you have had enough he throws another curve ball at you. If he loves us so much why does he continue to throw us things we cannot handle?  My Grandmother has stated “Instead of asking why me, we should ask what do I need to learn from this?”

I know how quick I am to say why now it’s just one more thing for me to do or why not now; it is the perfect time to have kids because all my friends are having kids. Tender Mercies are sent to us in our times of need. Through our trials Heavenly Father sends us Tender Mercies that give us hope and lift us up. To show that when we think we are in the darkest times in our lives there is still great good in the world. Tender Mercies can be as simple as a sunrise, or the blooming of flowers in your garden. Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, at all times, even when we are feeling sad he wants us to be happy. I think whenever I am sad; I call my Dad who tries to cheer me up. That is exactly how Heavenly Father is. He sends us things that make us happy because he knows our likes and our dislikes. He knows us. He can only talk to us through prayer and through the still small voice of the Holy Ghost. But he knows us. Just like our Dads who call if they can, he sends us Tender Mercies of things that we would know it is a gift from him. My Dad knows that something is wrong even before he asks, because he knows me. Plus I think they have that radar that goes off when they sense something. My husband has it too. Heavenly Father has that too. He knows when we are struggling. I want to share and experience that happened to me this Sunday.

I was asked to come into Young Women’s. The youth in our ward are preparing to go on a pioneer trek. They were singing “The fire of the covenant” Song, which is the song for their trek. Towards the end of the song is says

“We are the youth of the great and final days armed with truth and a legacy of faith and we will rise up and shine the light he gives and with the saints testify he lives he lives!”

This made me think of when I was a young woman in young women’s. The songs we sang went along with this. We sang songs that stated we are children of the light saved for these days. I also remembered people telling me that I was chosen to come to earth for this time. Just as the youth today are chosen to come here at this time, they are special. As I thought about this I also thought about the future youth, and how much more strong and chosen they will be. Then the thought came to me.. A tender mercy came to my thoughts. If I am a child of light to hold my light out for all to see then what will my children be. I saw a glimpse of his plan for me; Heavenly Father is preparing me for my children. Spiritually he is making me a better person. Through my trials he is teaching me so much. He is teaching me to have faith; it will all work out the way it is supposed to. He is teaching me about patience, love and charity. He is teaching me to be honest in all things, and to rely on him when things get hard. He teaches me to trust my family, and love them unconditionally.  He is constantly teaching me to be better.

He wants to help us constantly. Yes he gives us trials but he teaches us through them if only we listen for his words. He gives us these trials because he can’t help us physically. He gives these trials, because he loves us and wants to make us better, and stronger. To keep us humble, and always remembering him in all we do, because his plan for us is so much worth the wait. I hope I can remember that regardless of how long I have to wait before I have kids I am being prepared for them. Because they are special, when they come to me they will be a Tender Mercy.  

I would like to bear my testimony about tender Mercies. They are true gifts from our Father in Heaven who loves us very much; he wants us to succeed in all we do, and to be happy. I am so thankful for all the Tender Mercies i have received and will receive. I love my Heavenly Father, so much. I know that I was put on this earth to help those around me to hold my light for all to see. I’m thankful for his church and for all he does for me. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior Amen.

Introduction

This blog is my story about dealing with infertility and the other trials we face in life. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. The doctors told me that I most likely wouldn't be able to have children on my own. At age 16 this was not a worry of mine.I always thought I will just adopt, its no big deal. I didn't think of the cost of adoption. because at that time in my life I was not thinking about getting married and having a family. I was too concerned with FFA, Drama performances, friends and boys. Once I got married the thought of not being able to have kids became a reality to me, it hit me like bull whip. The depression took a hold of my life starting in on I'm not good enough because I don't have children. I worried about what people would think. Mostly my family. I worried my husband would decide that I was not worth it to stick around for. This trial of mine has always been a struggle for me. I have always worried about my self worth. At this time in my life I wondered why this was happening to me. Am I not a suitable for the blessing of motherhood. Mothers day is the least favorite day of the year and I still boycott it.  Negative thoughts began to flood my mind.Things like why did you get married, he wants kids and you can't give them to him. You are not worth anyone's time. Satin had a hold of my thoughts pouring  poison into my mind. The prayers began mostly by asking why me, why Lord have you forgotten about me.  I still have those prayers where I just cry telling him in a rant that I give up. I can’t go through this hurt and heartache anymore. If anything please take the pain away. I remember calling my mom shortly after I got married and asking her "Why does this bother me so much". She told me that it bothers me so much now because I have a strong desire to be a mother. We as women have a yearning to be a mother. It is in our hard drive.

I remember asking the Lord is this a punishment because I had some troubles with the word of wisdom in my younger years? I assumed at that time was I was unworthy to have kids. That I was being punished for my wrong doings. I know now that sometimes we feel as if the Lord has given up on us. I know I feel that frequently. I had the opportunity to bear my testimony of self worth at girls camp this last week. I served in the Young Women's presidency in our ward for two years. I was released November of 2014 and then asked to serve as the Girls Camp Director. At one of the devotionals in the morning we discussed the Young Women Values. I asked the girls what each of the Values stood for and what they meant.  As I got to Individual Worth, I briefly thought of  my own Individual Worth I know in high school I was not the most popular. I was different but aren't we all? Coming from me who often felt like I was not good enough for anything. I began my Testimony on Individual Worth, it made me remember what my sister always reminds me about when ever I am feeling low, or down on myself I need to remember that I am beautiful I am worth it and I am loved. Not only by my family and my dear husband but by my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and for what ever reason I at this time cannot have children naturally. It is not my fault, it is not a curse. It is not a punishment. It is a trial, but it is not because I struggled with my testimony. It is out of my control. But regardless I am worth it. My Individual Worth Testimony was restored. I want you to know, that regardless of what you are going through, you are worth it. Whether it be something similar of infertility, sickness, depression, etc. You are worth it!  My hope and goal is to help remind those who are lost or even sad like me I am but one voice. We are traveling on this road together. The Road Unspoken is about the Trials we have that go unspoken about, when sometimes it helps to talk about it, or to read someone's story and get some sort of comfort. When you feel like no one knows how you feel remember, there is one who does. Our Savior Jesus Christ knows. You're never alone.  This is my wish, to bear up each others burdens. To comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Sometimes the future for me looks bleak. I get really down on myself when I see my friends and family with kids, it hurts.I think  “it hasn't happened yet it wont ever happen”. And then my Father in Heaven sends me a tender mercy. A guardian angel, I have many of them on this earth. A call from a friend saying I'm thinking about you. Kind words from a sister who always there for me. A hug from the kids in my primary class or the hug from nieces or nephews. The way my husband makes me laugh when I want to cry.  That gives me hope. Heavenly Father sends me Tender Mercies that help me know everything will be okay. He also reminds me of the things we can do such as in vetro fertilization and adoption both right now we are working on ideas for funding. I hope that with this Blog I can inspire you to share your stories, not only to comfort you but to educate those around you. Thanks for reading this blog I hope you continue as I tell things that are so dear to my heart. I hope that they can and will help.