#StartAsking United by Infertility

I decided to take the Blogger challenge for NIAW. (#NIAW) I have not written on my blog for some time. I made a goal at the beginning of the year to write at least quarterly, and so far that didn't happen the way I wanted it to. Sometimes it seem that when you are trying to do positive things there is a negative force that tries to bring you down to a low that is hard to come back from.
My Story
I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure when I was 16 years old, knowing that I would most likely not be able to have children was a blow even then. From the time we are given our first doll to play with we want to be mommies, just like our mothers.When I found out that my dream of being a mom someday was slim to none it was shocking and devastating.  I remember finding out and sitting out in the hall being comforted by my mother. I cried, and slowly healed my broken heart for a time. Once I was married something that I had mourned over came back as if it were the day I was diagnosed only this time it is reoccurring. I am married and have been for 7 years. We have tried fertility supplements in hopes that a miracle would happen, but alas the POF is working against us. Every time that pregnancy test comes back negative the feelings and emotions of and mourning is never ending. We have searched for hope by looking at our options through IVF and adoption, but the cost is well out of our price range. I feel at times we are just sitting here waiting for something to happen and it never does. I try not to loose hope even though some days are better than others. I have constant dreams of being a mother and finally having the miracle happen and then I wake up and there is no child. My arms ache to hold a baby that isn't there. I have tried to come up with the nicest way to say it but infertility sucks! It is not fair, and it really just sucks. I have been told to just let it go, its not going to happen and I just need to get over it. News Flash, I have tried and fail tremendously. I've decided that being negative about it is not the answer either. Lately I have been bitter about my whole situation. I swore up and down that I would never be this bitter, and here I am. I am frustrated with myself because of my bitterness and trying to become less bitter about it. I recently joined a POF Support group as well as a infertility group. I was really reluctant to do so before thinking, I can do this on my own, I'm tough enough to do it alone. Boy was I wrong! Joining these groups has helped me so much I wish I would of listened to the advice from my Doctor long ago and not put on the tough girl attitude. I knew there are many women out there with my same condition, but to read some of their stories and concerns its comforting in a way knowing that someone knows exactly how I feel. They share advice and ask what works for others. I find myself sharing what has worked for me and find that not only are they helping me but I am helping them by  sharing my story. Knowing it could help someone down the road gives me hope and courage to continue on this long road of infertility. To know that no matter what there is always someone who knows what your going through. Sometimes the things we want to change and cant change end up changing us for the better. I will never know why my path of infertility is unanswered or undiscovered, but I cant control that, and its okay that I cant control it, someday I will know why.

We as women or couples need to stick together, to lean on each other to get through this hard time. Tell your own story, you never know who needs it. My goal of being a part of this group is to be hopeful and lend a helping hand or kind word where it is needed. To others dealing with infertility we can stand strong and get through this together! know you are never alone, There is someone out there going through this too. To others who know someone dealing with infertility, rather than assume you know what they are going through I challenge you to listen to them, and ask questions.

New Year Resolutions

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. I apologize, it seems as if the winter months went by faster than the summer. I  can not believe it is January 2016. Time has flown by. I am making five new goals for the new year and I hope I follow through with them.

First I want to write everyday. I have found that writing is one of my stress relievers, I won’t write everyday on this blog, I have a few novels to finish :). But to write something everyday I also want to post something each month in this blog. I think that every week was to much ;).  I will post something at least once a month.. Second I want to manage my time better by staying more organized. Third I want to be more physically fit, I need to strive to be healthy. Fourth I want to be more spiritually strong. So much has been happening lately, I have found that if I read my scriptures everyday my day goes a lot better. Fifth I want to be more positive, living for today, being more Christ like, serving others, and being happy with my life and the way things are going in my life. I choose to make the change for all these things to take place this year and become forever goals that I will be working on.

In a world of so much negativity there will always be ways to down others and yourself. I choose to be the light that brings others up. For so long I had thought that the only way I can be happy is to be a mother, when my kids come I will be happy and everything will be okay. But something I have learned just recently, is I need to be happy now! I want children more than anything in this world and look forward to that time but what if it doesn’t come in this life? How will I react to it, Will I choose to be unhappy for the rest of my life causing gloom and negativity? No I choose to be happy now, regardless of my situation. To always think of the positive things to say, to look for those who need a little light in their storm. I choose to be a disciple of Christ, to be a woman of faith. I know it will take time to fully get there and I know there will be bad days, because as we all know there is one force who will always be working against us and wanting us to fail. Despite what he throws at me I will remain strong. I will strive to be better, to not judge others, to not judge myself. We are all different, and our differences make us what we are. You know my whole life I was taught that what makes me different makes me beautiful. We are all beautiful in our own ways. Rather than cutting ourselves short or the others around us because of our differences, can’t we work together?  Because we are in this world together and need to help others. Can’t we build each other up in a world where we are taught that we all have to be the same to be beautiful. I choose to be different, to live in the moment, to be more Christ like, to follow the teachings and counsel of our Prophets, to be happy!

Happiness is a funny thing, but it can be found in the most darkest places. It is everywhere, it is in the sunrise, it is in your family, it is in music, it is everywhere, you just have to remember that it is always there, and to always look for it. In the words of Dumbledore on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, If one only remembers to turn on the light.”

(I am bit of a Harry Potter Fan! :))

We need to remember to turn on the light. I need to remember to turn on the light on those bad days when I am at a low. Which I hope I will not have, but we are human and we will always be growing. We never stop growing, just as long as we can remember to be happy for today.
I am happy, I don’t need to wait for the happiness to come because it is already here. It follows me everywhere.

I hope that each of you have some good goals for the New Year
Happy New Year everyone!!